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8.14.2015

The story of how I became who I am




I've been thinking about writing this post for a long time now. There were various reasons why I haven't. I think until today I was still trying to figure out how it affected me, my life and the choices I have made so far. This is the story of my mom passing away when I was just 16 and how it made me the person I am today. 

My mom died a long time ago. She had a very aggressive type of cancer (I'm not going to go into all that medical stuff, don't think I'm 100% sure what actually happened to her myself) and she was gone in about a year.




We weren't close when I was growing up. It's horrible to say, but in some ways I thought I had the worst mom in the world. Looking back, I know it was definitely not the case! She wasn't the curious kind of mother that would like to know all the details about my first boyfriend, kiss or even first time I had sex (sorry my dear brother if you're reading this). So we didn't talk a lot about personal things. 

When she got ill everything changed. She was home more, before that she was a total workaholic and was working even at home. She started asking me questions about my friends, my boyfriend at the time and even about my hobbies. Needless to say, we got much closer. She even opened up to me about her feelings and I saw her cry. I have never seen her cry before so you can imagine my reaction. 

When she was gone it felt like my world was falling apart. I was a 16 year old girl that had to plan a funeral together with her grandmother. No 16 year old should do that. Sometimes I had to call up places and make arrangements myself just because my gran was so upset she couldn't speak to anyone. I was kinda forced to grow up very quickly. 




Now I'm 23 and I've been thinking about myself and how this massive thing has affected me and my personality. I am more realistic now. I know that life is too short and you should do what you want, not what others think you should do. Appreciate what you have. Don't be ashamed or scared of being you. If there is one thing I learned form my mom, it is to be yourself. She was rocking a ginger pixie cut with a suit from H&M's boys section and didn't care what anyone else thought. And you know what, she was absolutely fabulous. 

Now I'm 23 and I know that she wasn't a workaholic, she was actually studying for various courses to get a diploma and get a better job. Now I know she wasn't there most of the time because she was out there making sure me and my brother have the best life possible. Always be one step ahead, always think about the next day. Think where you want to be and work for it. Don't let anyone put you down, because you are worth it all and more. 

Now I'm 23 and I never say that I hate anyone anymore. I never say that someone's the worst person, because there might be so many reasons why they are the way they are. There are so many things that happen to us that change the way we see life. My actions might seem stupid and unreasonable or even enraging to someone, but for me it's the right thing to do. No judgment what so ever
When we were having our last conversation she told me that she will always look after me from the edge of a white cloud. She said she will always protect me and I truly feel she has. I still have times when I wish she was here though.


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